I thought about not posting this right now. My life is going well, and you don’t want to focus on the bad stuff. But what I know more than anyone else is the isolation someone can feel in this time. When I thought longer about it, what most new patients don’t get is cancer is a journey. Perhaps this will help someone.

Three years ago I was in turmoil. I had not been formally diagnosed with breast cancer, I knew I had it. It was the secret I carried with Hubby, my mom and a few very close friends. It was not the time that I remember fondly, it was shear torture. I knew I was facing a long treatment, and my kids had no idea. They had a livestock show to do; they were planning the next show in the fall, which I knew we could not compete. After my biopsy, I was not okay. I had lost weight prior to my mammogram, and somehow I remember being cold and tired. I remember thinking how people had so much energy and I felt drained. I would watch people at the show and marvel at the energy they had.

Cancer has a way of giving limbo land. The time before you know you have it for sure and the time you think you might have it. All of us deal with limbo land differently. I sleep when under stress, so I could have slept about 20 hrs a day. Only with a livestock show, you sleep maybe 5 hrs a day. There is always someone to be fed, either people or animals.

The reason I share this torture is not so that you as a reader can feel sympathy it is because so many people we all know are in limbo land each day. They are on the edge of knowing the beast. It is something that should be talked about more, during this time all I could do is wonder how people stayed sane in limbo land. I also remember as petty as I was looking at people that I considered awful parents and wondering why they didn’t have cancer. I remember I was resenting the non-cancer people and adoring survivors. The entire time no one really knew I was in this struggle.

The day I found out, another gal who has a senior son found out she had thyroid cancer. K was the one person that worked with her and knew me so deeply. She had a terrible day that day. She heard that two people she was close to had cancer. The other mother and I met at the FFA banquet that night; we hugged and cried a bit. It was something to know regardless of what happened to you another family was going through the cancer crud along with you.

Funny when I look back I have to remember the pain. What no one is ever willing to tell you is Cancer is a Blessing. Well Tony Snow said it and I agree with him more each day, what cancer does teach you is what is so important is precious. It is the time in the barn even when the kids are goofing off and not working. It is watching the goats do something funny, and watching the baby goats being born. The times when your kid makes you laugh because you never thought they would be that funny.

The pettiness that I had in limbo land turned into a self-reflection of my own priority list. The livestock shows are not important, but the work as a family that we do together even when Hubby is driving us nuts with the chickens is priceless. What I cannot get back is the time I did not spend with them, but what I can forever hold dear is being unwilling to spend anytime away from them that I can. God revealed to me so many wonderful blessings through cancer. I really wish there had been an easier way to do it but God know best.

What a wonderful journey God has given me these past three years.

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It took somebody else. See the beast takes people everyday. It takes the people you love the most, the ones you thought could beat the beast. I know one day I will see it again, but for today I am sad. I miss her, she was too young to go. I want her back with her kids, hugging their bodies smelling the smell only moms can smell.

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